Tag Archives: depression

I. Am. So. Sorry…

I have been off-line, out-of-commission, non-communicative, and just generally not here, and I apologize for that.

There were a lot of contributing factors: my abdominal pain levels have been bad, my arthritis-like symptoms have been literally crippling, the neuroma tumors in my feet have also been very crippling, my depression has worsened, and my anxiety levels have been off-the-charts. Someone important to me was prevented from suiciding just-in-time (again), and while that person has again decided to live, I am not okay. I do not do well with near-suicide or suicide situations – especially where people I really care about are concerned – and mentally, they shatter me. I have had to face these situations several times before, and each time I face another, I shatter into tinier pieces and it takes longer to put myself back together.

Between all this and the limbo I’m currently in regarding medical testing and treatment (I seem to be going nowhere), and my soon-to-be-dire financial situation due to my unemployability, I would like nothing more than to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel the limitations of my body very keenly right now, and I feel utterly trapped. I feel old, and broken, and weak, and exhausted, and fuzzy-headed, and un-pretty.

Know what I want? I want to be a young woman with a bright future again – like the young woman I was before C.Diff. I want to finish my education. I want my own little house where I answer to no one but myself. I want the mortgage that comes with it, and I want to have to worry about whether to paint the front door red or blue.  I want to have a husband who will love me and help me to feel less alone, and children to feed and read bedtime stories to. I want a career where I can feel like I’ve accomplished something every day. I want another dog, because the antics of my pooch give me something to smile about every single day. I want a simple, normal life. I don’t want to be alone on the outside-looking-in anymore, waiting for something to happen or for some bit of information so that I can be healthy enough to have all those things.

And if I can’t be healthy and have those things, I want to be able to not want them; I want to be able to let those dreams go so that the lack of their fulfillment won’t hurt me anymore. So if you have any of these things, be thankful. Be joyful, be ecstatic at your good fortune and your blessedness. If you’re reading this and you have health, be out-of-your-mind-crazy with gratitude. Celebrate your freedom – your freedom of movement, the freedom to have choices, and make decisions, and have dreams. For now, I’ll keep hoping – no, believing – that someday, I’ll be able to celebrate with you.

-L