I. Am. So. Sorry…

I have been off-line, out-of-commission, non-communicative, and just generally not here, and I apologize for that.

There were a lot of contributing factors: my abdominal pain levels have been bad, my arthritis-like symptoms have been literally crippling, the neuroma tumors in my feet have also been very crippling, my depression has worsened, and my anxiety levels have been off-the-charts. Someone important to me was prevented from suiciding just-in-time (again), and while that person has again decided to live, I am not okay. I do not do well with near-suicide or suicide situations – especially where people I really care about are concerned – and mentally, they shatter me. I have had to face these situations several times before, and each time I face another, I shatter into tinier pieces and it takes longer to put myself back together.

Between all this and the limbo I’m currently in regarding medical testing and treatment (I seem to be going nowhere), and my soon-to-be-dire financial situation due to my unemployability, I would like nothing more than to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel the limitations of my body very keenly right now, and I feel utterly trapped. I feel old, and broken, and weak, and exhausted, and fuzzy-headed, and un-pretty.

Know what I want? I want to be a young woman with a bright future again – like the young woman I was before C.Diff. I want to finish my education. I want my own little house where I answer to no one but myself. I want the mortgage that comes with it, and I want to have to worry about whether to paint the front door red or blue.  I want to have a husband who will love me and help me to feel less alone, and children to feed and read bedtime stories to. I want a career where I can feel like I’ve accomplished something every day. I want another dog, because the antics of my pooch give me something to smile about every single day. I want a simple, normal life. I don’t want to be alone on the outside-looking-in anymore, waiting for something to happen or for some bit of information so that I can be healthy enough to have all those things.

And if I can’t be healthy and have those things, I want to be able to not want them; I want to be able to let those dreams go so that the lack of their fulfillment won’t hurt me anymore. So if you have any of these things, be thankful. Be joyful, be ecstatic at your good fortune and your blessedness. If you’re reading this and you have health, be out-of-your-mind-crazy with gratitude. Celebrate your freedom – your freedom of movement, the freedom to have choices, and make decisions, and have dreams. For now, I’ll keep hoping – no, believing – that someday, I’ll be able to celebrate with you.

-L

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6 thoughts on “I. Am. So. Sorry…

  1. Dear LadyPrimal~

    I truly feel your pain, your discouragement, your worry, your weariness, your hopelessness . . . as I am in sort of the same place, just with different issues. I am just fighting through another health issue myself and not yet out the other side. Sometimes the battle is sooooo hard, but what life has taught me after 66 years, is that I am never alone. I might not have someone else who understands right next to me, but I have God, who is with me every second and who is the only one who truly understands. And he never fails me–He always brings me through.

    I am a high melancholy personality, and that just magnifies everything else negative that happens and I often fight depression. When I feel myself sinking into that, then I pull myself out thinking ONLY on the good things in my life, and no matter the issues and heartaches and negatives, there are always a plethora of blessings as well. Sometimes just the fact I woke up is the only blessing I can think of for a while each day, but then I look around and see so many others.

    One thing that helps is to focus on anything that makes us understand how precious life is, even if we are sick and tired of being SICK and TIRED. One of my favorites things is this. In Thornton Wilder’s play, “Our Town,” a deeply poignant scene takes place in a graveyard. Ghosts comfort the young heroine, who has recently died in childbirth. Emily, still longing for the life she has just left, wishes to visit one ordinary, “unimportant” day in her life. When she gets her wish, she realizes how much the living take for granted. Eventually, her visit is too much for her to bear. “I didn’t realize, she confesses mournfully, “all that was going on and we never noticed . . . Goodbye world, Goodbye Grover’s Corners . . . Mama and Papa. Goodbye to clocks ticking . . . and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths . . . and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anyone to realize you.”

    That is so true. As I sit here, I can hear the clock ticking, I can smell my coffee, I can look out into the dreary spring day and see barren branches, dirty piles of snow and brown grass . . . BUT I HAVE THOSE THINGS!!! I am still here on earth! And beyond that, I can HEAR the clock, SMELL the coffee and SEE the day outside. I can walk, move, care for myself. There are people in this life who are denied even those small pleasures.

    When life gets me down, I just take inventory of the good I still have and appreciate every bit of it. None of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to make the most of today, no matter how we feel this day. But, if we rejoice in the day, and determine to make it the best it can be, despite the circumstances, and if we put our focus on others who might need us, and on God—I find the day always gets better.

    Unrelenting pain is the WORST and I deal a lot with that. Then if you throw in worry of any sort, whether it be financial, family, health, unknowns, it just exacerbates it all until we are a mess. We need to fight the desire to crawl into a hole and pull it in after ourselves and instead learn to turn it over to God. There is really NOTHING we can do anyway, but He can do EVERYTHING, in His time, in His way, if we just let Him.

    Sorry, did not mean to get preachy, but I do care.

    LadyPrimal, I do not know your name but if you are on Facebook, send me a friend request.

    Take care of yourself and keep remembering how IMPORTANT you are to all these people who find this board you started and maintain. You are a blessing to so many of us! Thanks for all you do.

    With care and prayer,
    ~Rhonda

    1. Thank you Rhonda – you are perfectly right. I, too, believe as you do, and I know that praying about the thoughts and issues that make me so anxious is the best thing I can do for my mental health – I just forget to do it. I’ve always been an independent spirit and often forget to ask God and those around me for help. I sometimes forget that I’m only in one part of my life-journey, and that the path God has mapped out for me has a long way yet to be travelled. Clinical depression and anxiety often prevent me from being able to step outside of my physical pain and see the world around me. It’s something I’m working on. Thanks so much for your kind words and prayers ❤

  2. I got c-diff after a dentist prescribed me clindamycin. I only took 3 doses of the antibiotic, thats all it took. The dentist was completely unsympathetic when i called to ask him if i should be having this severe of a reaction to it..diarrhea 30-40 times a day, stomach cramping so debilitating i couldnt stand upright, and the inability to eat anything. Clear liquids were all i could tolerate. The dentist told me to go to a dr. I said no thank you. No more antibiotics for me, no more dr.’s.in between trips to the bathroom and while i could sit upright, i did a lot of research. I found a recipe on a forum somewhere for fermented cabbage juice, and the person said it saved their life. Well, i know it saved mine. I made a batch, which takes 3 days for the first batch, and started drinking it 3 times a day. After 2 weeks, i cut it down to 2the times a day, and at 1 month i was down to once a day for maintainence. I noticed an improvement within days, and by a month later, i was almost back to normal. I know it sounds iffy, something so simple, but it worked. And for me, thats all the proof i need. If anyone is interested in the recipe, shoot me an email. Dreafox@gmail.com.

  3. Hi, I was battling c diff and there is something that helped me when antibiotics failed. I took the oil of oregano 4-5 times a day and it killed the c diff. Of course I used tons of probiotics in each and every form together with it and florastor and kombucha and diet( gluten free, dairy free, sugar free) but it helped. Try it, it might help you.

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